Post-Hawaii

So you went away across the country and reality set in--this is real and it is fast and everyone else telling us what to do is madness. So we're slowing down and taking the reins of our wedding and our life. I meant what I've told you, that the only thing that truly matters to me that day is that we will go to bed as man and wife. God will make it happen, I have no doubt.

We had a really good date night last night with Danielle and Randy, too-expensive good Turkish food followed by slowdown, quality time spent with you in my arms. And I love these nights and I miss them. We need to commit more to us and I think we're taking the right steps to do that. I know there will be even more of an adjustment after we're married, but I know that God has a long reach and His hand is on our hearts--binding them together.

I want you to know that even when there is fear in this, when the prospect of life together looms large, that I feel the presence and peace of God on our love and as He makes this love more perfect that it will cast out all fear. You are my beloved and my blessing, a gift and a girl who makes my heart jump and smile like no other. I look at you, whether in ridiculously hot red dresses or worn sweat pants and know that there is no one else I'd rather be on this journey with, no one else I'd rather share my life with. You are mine and I love you.

I want you to know that even amidst the tears and the arguments we have that no part of my soul ever aches to be anywhere else. If I didn't think we were worth it, it wouldn't be worth fighting for. And if I didn't think you were meant to be my wife, I wouldn't be willing to lay down my life for yours in loving service to you. I am your protector and your hero, the man who will walk in front of you into our battles and by your side, hand wrapped around yours into yours. We will struggle. We will fall down. And I will love you through it all, always rising after the storms and pulling you up with me. My life for your life, my love for your love, my heart for your heart. I will smile for lifetimes having you in my arms.

Meet the Parents

October 1

The rain keeps hammering on my window and all I can think of now is how I should have dragged you out into it and kissed you. I miss you, having you near me and your being in my arms.

Tonight our parents met, this going much better than I think you anticipated. For that, I'm grateful. My Mom got us a picture frame that I'm going to tell you soon that we should put our engagement photos in once we get them.

Today is a Thursday. I haven't seen you since Sunday, so this makes this the longest stretch of not seeing you since we got engaged. My heart misses you as does my body. I long for you, burn for you, want to be able to gaze into your eyes for hours on end, to see your smile every moment because it melts me every time. I am soooooo in love with you. I am in love with your laugh, and how it moves through your whole body and then lights up the room. I am in love with your eyes, how they can show me love in a one second stare or shut me down from across the room. I am in love with your hands, criss-crossed in mine for always.

I am in love with every part of you because every part of you makes you who you are. I love you wholly and that will never change, only grow. I can't wait to start this journey with you, my love.

Hawaii

I haven't been writing you as much, mired in homework and wedding work and far too many plans. I apologize because you need to be my priority.

You left this morning for Hawaii, far too much luggage but I'm not shocked by this. ;) I miss you already, like a piece of my heart is empty with you so far away. My hope is that you can rest and relax and enjoy your time away, that it renews your soul and spirit. My love will be with you and will grow more before you return.

Last night, at Alex's wedding, you requested that the bumbling DJ play our song, which he did. And I commented to you that the next time we dance to that song will probably be at our wedding, and you got your predictable, deer-in-headlights look. But I love that that's true, and I imagine that as our day draws nearer that I will think of many things and know that the next time I do them, we will be wed.

The next time I see 4th of July fireworks, we will probably be halfway across the country in each others arms, you my bride and me your groom. The next time fall rolls around, we will be living together, you cooking for me every night like a good domestic lady. :D Just kidding. I cannot wait to begin those little moments--our first Christmas as husband and wife, our first Valentine's and birthdays, our first child, our first house. So many firsts with you, so many special moments to share with you. You will always be my most special treasure and I will love you the rest of my life.

Have fun in Hawaii, darling--your first real vacation alone. Think of all the firsts, all the moments we will share. Aloha to you love. :)

Sick

You are sick today, your back aggravating you and nausea riding through you. I hate that you're in pain, wish I could take it on myself and leave you pain-free, if but for a day. I want to take it all away, wish I could protect you from pain.

But I can't, so what do I do? I pray for you, give you into the hands of one greater who can heal you and restore you. His hands can hold you more than mine can. And I bend over backwards if I can to help you if even for a minute. I love you and I am your helper as much as you are mine.

You told me yesterday that there was something I had to do before you would marry me--bring you flowers at work. And I did it without your prodding or asking, further confirmation that God know what both of us need to come together and to stand solid in Him in this.

Any test put before us, we have passed, in His strength and by His love in us for one another. I trust in you and I believe in us.

So you are sick, but you will get better, and I cannot wait to see you at the other end of the aisle, walking to me. By the time you read this, you will be my bride. That idea makes my heart smile.

Sunday Sunday

Your back was acting up this morning in church and right now, you're napping before dinner with Dave and Jodie.

I've realized that I need to step up for you a little bit. You are the most precious, beautiful thing in my life and I want you to see my heart, want to make you feel special every day for the rest of your life. Every day, I want you to wake up and go to bed feeling loved and appreciated for the gift you are to me.

I've been praying about you for years and God has had you set aside for me since time began. You are mine and I am yours, and I will love you with all I have. I want to have your hands in mine every time you feel scared or hurt or down. I want my arms around you to protect you and watch over you and to love you always. You are my blessing and my heart, my love.

I want every kiss I give you to reflect the love I have for you, every hug I give you to hold every piece of my heart that beats for you in it. I want to lay down my life for you as my wife and I want us together to pursue what God has for us. There is a plan and a purpose in this and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us. Thank you for being you, for being exactly what I need and for completing me. I want to love you for always.

Photographs

Today I wrote you a skit for XR and you set up a meeting for Tuesday for us to meet with a photographer. I looked for the past through days through album after album of other people's weddings and saw not one bride who even holds a candle to you.

You are the most beautiful girl in the world to me, your bright blue eyes that can catch me across the room and I'll be able to look into them every day for the rest of my life. Somewhere inside of me is a little man called love and he runs around in there, doing flips and cartwheels at thoughts of you. And when I see you, he starts jumping up and down, and it's like butterflies all over again because I cannot believe that this beautiful, amazing girl is mine. I cannot believe that my arms are her home, that her heart beats in tune with mine, that her love is for me and that she thinks I am a blessing.

You are my heart and don't you ever forget it.

Colors

Last night was Hilary's party, which was awesome and a lot of fun. We spent today pretty relaxed. The ceremony site was all paid for Friday and it was great standing in Frame Park knowing that soon enough I will be standing there and becoming your husband.

I can't wait to get started on our life together, figuring each other out and just enjoying this union made possible only by God. I love how my heart has opened to the point where I can see that all along there has been a hole there---a Nicole shaped hole that could only have been filled by you. We talked in marriage class today about how in the Garden, God made male and female together in Adam and how He then made woman out of what was already in man. Through marriage, God puts us back into one flesh and we are one in Him as it was in the beginning. To be one with you, to have my allegiance be first to you, is something that feels so absolutely right. I know that even way back then in the Garden that God knew that someday you and I would become one just as Adam and Eve were one. I thank Him and praise Him for preparing us both for that and for moving in our hearts.

We had a good night tonight, relaxing and just being together. How I have missed just holding you in my arms and kissing you, just being with you as we were and haven't been this new ride started. I missed being home, and you are home. I look forward to the day when I won't have to leave you to come back here to sleep because I will be at home with you. I love you, my wife now as you are reading this. Thank you for making me so happy, so full of joy and love. You are my blessing and my beloved and I am yours.

Late Nights

We put your bed together tonight and decided that at 3:00 on July 3rd, 2010, you will become my wife. You also made some remark that I made a face and you remembered for an instant seeing me when we were children. I have to think that's a God thing.

It makes me excited that we will be growing together in Christ together, that we will face life as one flesh and that He will work through us and use us for His glory as we enter into covenant with one another as well as with Him. God is our first love and after that, there is one another.

I imagine standing with you and praying over our lives together, imagine seeing our children born and holding them close. I imagine growing old, you laughing as a few more gray hairs creep in...probably because of you. ;) I have these pictures in my mind of seeing you five years from now and thinking about perfectly God knit our lives together and how His plan began so many years ago.

Had there been no Sacred Heart together, there wouldn't have been the connection that brought us together. So then even as children, God had a plan and a purpose for us. We just finally caught up to it and can now live in Him and in His course for our lives. I thank Him daily for you, for your heart and for the love you show me. I love you, sweetheart, my love, my girl.

We Have a Date!!!

On July 3, 2010, I will have the most beautiful bride in my arms and will feel like I am finally home. I cannot wait. We're in the final stages of booking the park and putting together save the date cards. Soon, we'll be able to get back to dating a little bit. I can't wait to get to know you better, to get to love you more and to feel my heart grow as we draw nearer to each other and to God.

I have this picture in my mind of seeing you on the other end of the aisle coming to me, your arm in your dad's. And I see this knockout perfect smile on your face, and you wearing a dress that just blinds me with how beautiful you look in it. And just knowing that for the rest of my life, I get to experience your beauty, your heart and your soul, warms every piece of who I am.

You are the love of my life, one chosen by God to fit this most special place in my heart. I am your beloved, chosen to protect you and to love you with all my heart for the rest of my life. And I will, absolutely. I cannot wait to begin this life with you, darling. What an amazing gift from an amazing God you are. Thank you for letting me have your heart; I will protect it always

Cheesy Beautiful

Tonight we had the "talk" with your folks and I got to stare at you for a while later like a deer in headlights over the prospect of choosing a date. You will get through it and I will smile at you for it. I can't wait to have the plan in place, the ball rolling, everything starting to get set for the day you become my wife. I love you so much darling that my heart just pours out love to you, myself helpless to stop it. And now for the cheesy beautiful--a song from John Denver that came into my head on the drive home from your house just now that makes me think of you and your smile, of you in your dress staring up at me and me being the happiest man on earth in that moment.

"You Fill Up My Senses"

Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

I love you Nikki, my wife and my heart and my home. :)

One Week

It has been one week since I asked you to marry me and you said "Uh huh." We went to look at wedding bands today after getting lunch with Steph and Hernando and asking them to be in our wedding. We later ordered pizza and watched "Father of the Bride."

And I realized that one of the main reasons why my heart has grown so full of love for you is the very idea that you would want to spend your life with me---commitment between us has filled us both with more love than we thought possible. I was thinking today about the simple things that will make life more amazing after we're married--coming home after a hard day at work and seeing your face, melting any stress I had right away; waking up next to you, you being the first person I see every day moves my heart; seeing signs of you all around the house, even when you're not there, like a blanket you leave on the couch that smells like you, or a shirt on the bedroom floor that you forgot to throw in the hamper. I can't wait to just live with you, to have that life with you.

One other thing I realize though, is that I think you're scared of losing your independence and your sense of self. It's almost as if you feel that when two become one, that you'll get lost in that shuffle and your dreams will be secondary. I want to reassure you that I will spend all my life making sure that your dreams come true as well as my own. You are going to be the most happy doing what you are meant to be doing, and I am going to be the most happy when I see that glow on you, that love of life and that spirit within you that just floors me. I will love you and I will not let you get lost in the unity of us. We will be one, and both of our goals and dreams will be on the same list...to be crossed off and achieved with both our strength and energy. I will make your dreams come true as best I can. God does not want us to squander our gifts, and I will never let you squander yours. I trust you to push me to be my best as well. And I know your love now and I know it will grow in Christ, and I cannot wait to see what God will do in our lives.

Back in Town

We had a good day in Chicago. Saw the art museum, dipped our feet in the fountain and later met up with your CB friends for Scattegories. And I got to hear you laugh more than normal, and I love your laugh.

We talked today about Chicago and New York, how some of your friends think that you're putting your life on hold for me, and you need to follow your heart to New York. And one thing I can agree on--you should follow your heart. And if it takes us to New York, then we will make it work. You are my home, not Milwaukee or any other city. As long as I come home to you, to your arms and to your love, I can live anywhere. And if I know that you are following your dreams and making them all come true, then my heart rests more easy. It is my goal in life to push you to be the best you can be, to embrace fully yourself and the light put inside you. God has big plans for you, and I will follow you to the ends of the earth to see thar light shine.

I am in love with you, not a destination. If I have your heart, that's all I need. You are my love and I will lay down my life for you if need be. Know my love

My Kind of Town

I'll be leaving in about a half hour to grab you from work and head to Chicago. I was suppose to propose to you tomorrow...you would have been pale from fear by today had I waited. We're trying to figure out venues today though I'm pretty sure it'll be the Gardens. Hopefully on Wedding Day, someone remembers to give me Claritin.

I also started going through the preparation for marriage book today. It talks about how in marriage, we have to accept each other by faith, knowing that God has called us together--this despite our differences and imperfections...well my imperfections anyway. We all know that you're perfect, deer. ;)

And I think that when I made that decision, that I wanted you to be my wife, God gave me great faith in that promise. God called us together and will hold us together. His hands formed the world and so can hold us to Him by the promise and commitment we will make to one another--our covenant before a Holy God.

I don't expect easy, but I expect blessing and grace in our lives. I will watch over and protect you as my wife every day of my life. You are precious and amazing, the answer to prayer I've been waiting for all my life, the rose in full bloom, the light in my heart. You are mine and I love you and that is forever. You are a promise and a treasure and I will also cherish you, always be the man you need me to be. I am your beloved. You will always know that and feel tha. I love you darling.

First Day

So this is the first day I haven't seen you since we got engaged, a day off from wedding talk...yeah, right, like that actually happened. We're going to Chicago tomorrow. I'm talking to you now about halls and such. Planning one day before planning the rest of my life with you.

In light of not seeing you, I feel like I want to tell you some of the things I love about you when I do get to see you. I love how when we stand and kiss that you get on your tiptoes and move into me, how even with my eyes close I can feel your smile and your heart take a relaxed sigh. I love how when I come up behind you and put my arms around you that you let out this quick giggle. I love to watch you think, how you put your hands on your hips and your eyes dance back and forth until you figure it out. And how sometimes when you're excited, that you bounce around across a room like you must've when you were a little girl. You are contagious and addictive. You are mine and I love you.

Your hand in mine, we move forward towards the unknown in faith, knowing that God has put us together and that He will guide us on our path, our life together.

Growing Hearts

Last night we went out after Crossroads with a couple of your friends to Friday's, blaring karaoke in the background. And I realized exactly how to describe my love for you. Before our engagement, my cup of love overflowed from my heart. I loved you as much as a man can, something more than I have ever felt for anyone or anything, save God. My compass pointed to you in absolute. After our engagement though, it was as if the cup grew. And it was ever more full, and this love surpassed anything I could have imagined. I see my life in you, our first child and our first Christmas, your hand in mine as we grow older and pass through seasons, your eyes staring at me fifty years from now--my heart so bursting with love for you, my life what it was meant to be because of you being in it.

Poets talk of people completing one another, as if we are incomplete without that other person. And I always thought how silly that was, that we should each be complete people and then come together to be something more. But what I see now is that all my life, my soul has been searching for its counterpoint and that is you. There has always been a place in my heart for you, put there by God in preparation for the love we would once share. And so now, my cup is full. God smiles.

I cannot wait to wake up one morning, about a year from now, and to be able to see you lying next to me--my wife. I imagine my cup will grow that day exponentially. I cannot wait to love you every day for the rest of my life.

Mine

Another day. Today we got pizza at the Olive Pit with Kristi and Nick and asked them to be in our wedding party.

Today you sent me the sweetest message in the world about your heart growing to let all the love in and how it tickled. You also sent me a card that brought tears to my eyes and I almost cried in from of my Mom...but I love you and am not afraid to get emotional about it.

Is it strange that I get pictures in my head of you in a hundred different wedding dresses?Or that I'm convinced that when I see you at the end of the aisle, working your way towards me, that there will be tears in my eyes? You are my beloved and my soulmate, a blessing from God greater than any I could have dreamed.

Do you know how long I prayed for you? Or how I used to glance through crowds, wondering where the love of my life was in it? The moment my eyes fell on you, my heart was gone. I never believed in love at first sight until I saw you---I know it's cheesy, but it's absolutely where my heart is right now.

You will be my wife, Nicole. My wife! And I will cherish that promise and I will cherish you the rest of my life. I will be your safe place to fall. And I will love you more each day.

Precious

I put a ring on your finger yesterday and with it, made the promise to love you the rest of my life and to never stop making you feel special. No date has been set yet, but from now until then I will relate every way you make me feel like more. I have been in love with you since the moment we met and you know me well enough to know its not a line.

My heart changed when I met you, it found a home and a warm place to live. I have never taken my eyes off of you as God transformed you and I into something greater. I wrap my arms around you, wrap my heart around you and breathe you in with every day of my life.

Someday when we're married someone will ask me where my home is and I will tell them...my home is my wife. Wherever she is, I am complete and I experience love. Wherever she isn't is a road that will lead me back to her. I will return to you always. Your hand will always slip in mine, your head will always fit perfect on my shoulder and your lips will ever meet mine and send me reeling. I am in love with you and I will fall in love with you all over again every day of my life. You will read this after we are married, when my name is yours and we are forever one. And I will look at you, at your smile and your spirit and know even more perfectly than I know now, that you are the one for me for always. Thank you for being you, the love of my life.